Saga Chapter 15 - Experiences

The child was cowering when he found it, huddled at the alley's end, trying to be small and inconspicuous. He couldn't tell if it was a boy or a girl - it was encrusted with grime from head to foot.
"There's no point in running," he said grimly. The child began to cry and for the first time in his life Shadow felt real pity. Despite her wretchedness he had never pitied Katie, even in the beginning, because she had rallied so well and proven her strength even from that first day. But Katie would have sympathised with this little urchin, she would have despised Shadow for what he had intended to do. No matter to her that the child was an agent of the Agents, or that it had killed people with those tiny, grasping hands. Katie would have scolded him, and said it was not the child's fault but that of a society which allowed its offspring to starve on the streets.
With a growl he pushed throughts of her away, and the child whimpered with fear.
"I didn't do it," it wailed. "Wasn't me, I didn't do it."
Shadow wanted to kill the child. It was not fair, or just, or right that something so filthy in both mind and body was alive when Katie was dead.
How had he come to think of her again so quickly?
"Go," he grated, throwing down the coins that had been tucked into his pocket since he bought Katie a cup of tea, a lifetime ago, "If I hear of you informing to them again I will return, and I will not be merciful twice."
The child scrabbled past him and ran, hardly pausing in snatching up the money. In the space of a few heartbeats it was gone.
Shadow punched the wall in an attempt to relieve his anger. It didn't help.

---

Shadow was lounging on the sofa in Evanthe's living room when she emerged from Katie's room late that night. When she noticed him her heart leapt into her mouth, and she clung to the doorframe while she waited for her heartbeat to regulate.
"Shadow!" She said when she was sure her voice was steady, closing the door softly behind her and moving to sit on the seat opposit him. "I didn't hear you come in. You scared me half to death."
"Sorry," he said dully, not sounding sorry at all. He was frowning, staring at the much-worn carpet as though his eyes could bore a hole into it.
"What's up? Want a coffee?"
"Tea," he said. He looked surprised at himself, and his face momentarily distorted as if in pain. Evanthe closed her eyes for a moment, waking her kettle and directing it to the stovetop. It grumbled as it creaked its way over - it had been comfortably dozing when she interrupted.
"Talk to me," Evanthe ordered Shadow as they waited for the tea things to arrive. He looked troubled, and this in itself worried her immensely. Shadow was not the kind to be given over to emotion of any kind, and it was disconcerting to see him so seemingly overcome.
"I am - bothered," he sighed, as if this were an infinitely trying experience. Evanthe waited patiently. Even though she'd never seen Shadow in such a mood, she had experienced many similar fits of melancholy in the years she'd known Tristan, and it always seemed to help to let him talk himself out of it.  
"Today I hunted down one of the Agent's informants, had it cornered in a dead end. It deserved to die," he said, a little earnestly. "But I couldn't do it. I kept thinking about her. About Katie."
Evanthe was silent, and she shot a glare at the teapot as it clattered noisily into the room. Chastened, it endeavoured to move more quietly. Shadow looked up at her.
"I've been experiencing - " he paused again, and the silence pushed against the unspoken word, giving it momuntum. " - feelings."
For a moment the word hung in the air, heavily, filled with meaning. Then Evanthe burst out laughing.
"Oh, Shadow, you git," she cried, gasping for air and punching the seat-cushions for emphasis. "You say that like it's a miracle!"
Shadow glared at her.
"Well I'm essentially a programmed being, emotions just aren't a part of me, I wasn't made to have feelings," he insisted, knowing how childish he sounded and not caring at all. "You shouldn't laugh, 'Van. I'm a killing machine and here I am showing pity, and mercy. How are we going to win this war if I go around letting people live?"
His indignance only made Evanthe laugh even harder, until she was gasping for breath. It took her several minutes to calm down, with Shadow frowning at her the entire time.
"I'm sorry," she said, stifling a stray giggle and wiping at her eyes. "But it feels wonderful to have a good laugh, and you know if we're on the advent of this war you keep talking about then we have to seize all the joy we can get."
"I believe it is considered rude to laugh at another's expense?" He asked coolly and she subsided with a sigh.
"I only knew her for a few days," Shadow said, still frowning. "Is it even possible to feel for someone in so short a time? How can I miss someone I barely knew?"
"We all feel the same way about Katie," Evanthe replied gently, at the same time taking care not to lie. Shadow almost always knew when he was being lied to. "Her arrival in our lives was the kind of thing that doesn't happen very often, and we should be grateful that it did. She'll always be with you in your heart, Shadow."
He waved her comment away, still unconvinced on the subject of emotions.
"If it continues to get in the way of things..." His voice trailed off. What could he do about it, even if he wanted to? Evanthe handed him a cup of tea and he stared at it for a moment with a decidedly nostalgic expression.

"Sorry, 'Van," he said, setting it down on the table and unfolding himself from the sofa. "I need to get back out onto the streets. I'm sensing some excitement from both the Agents and the Disciples, and that definitely means trouble."
Without another word he strode out of the room, leaving Evanthe alone with two cups of tea and a grumpy kettle.

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Evanthe poked her head into Katie's room to make sure the girl was still sleeping, then returned to the living room to call Tristan. He did not answer for a long time and when he did, he sounded harrassed.
"I should be back by now," he growled, "But the local wise-woman disappeared in the sandstorm and I couldn't exactly say no to helping them search."
Evanthe frowned.
"The same sandstorm Katie was lost in?"
"The very same."
She stared at the recording-machine and it stared solemnly back at her.
"That's a little suspicious, don't you think?"
"Of course. Do you want me to stay out here and hope that she turns up?"
"I don't expect she will." Evanthe sighed and shook her head. "What a pain. We can't tell Shadow, either, of course..."
Remembering that Tristan could see her even if she couldn't see him, Evanthe made a conscious effort to smooth her expression. He relied on her strength just as she relied on his, and she knew how guilty he was feeling right now. She had blamed him for Katie's disappearance, after all.
"Just... come home, Tristan," she said softly. The words sounded too personal - she blushed a little and hoped he wouldn't notice. "She's in a lot of pain right now, and I don't know what to do other than ask you to trap it away with the rest. I understand that it's dangerous, but... well, I'm not sure what else to do with her right now."
"Maybe we should ask her that?" He suggested, to her great surprise. "We've been deciding everything for her, but she's not a child. Perhaps it's time Katie had a little input into her life."
"Mmm. Maybe." She shrugged. "We can talk about it later. Will you leave tonight?"
"I'm just on my way out the door," he chuckled. "I'll see you soon, ok?"
"Be careful out there," she said.

"I heard voices," Katie murmured, half-waking as Evanthe returned to her side. "Was Shadow here?"
"Just for a few minutes," Evanthe replied, examining Katie's sunburn with a critical eye. "He's very busy. Go back to sleep, honey. You need all the rest you can get. Things are going to get interesting, and I want you to be awake to see it."
Katie was asleep before Evanthe stopped speaking, and she was relieved. When Shadow had arrived so unexpectedly, she'd been sure he would notice Katie's presence. That he didn't spoke volumes - either he had been too distracted by his feelings, or something about Katie had changed so much in the last few days that her essence was unrecognisable to him. They would have to move her soon, to somewhere Shadow would never go.
It was time to get creative.